Crystal Magazine. Crystal Word Processing

A Parody on Kipling's 'If'

2012-01-29T02:57:00.000-08:00

He did write exceedingly good poems. He's my humorous take on one of them.

IF

If you can stub your toe when all about you
are able to avoid doing the same,
and their toes stay pink while yours is going blue
and you hobble around as if you're lame.

If your socks don't match and there's a hole in one,
and you say you've another pair like these,
and a pungent smell lingers after you've gone,
and everyone feels rather ill at ease.

If you can have a go at do-it-yourself,
but the spice rack is in a sorry state,
while all the cups and saucers slide off the shelf
because it seems to lean and won't go straight.

If you hammer your thumb instead of the nail,
so everybody's shocked at what you say,
and all attempts at a bird-house tend to fail,
and our feathered friends are keeping away.

If you can manage to get a lightbulb out
so you can replace it with one that works,
but you flick the switch (so you can see, no doubt)
and the electricity gives you jerks.

If you then slip off the chair and bang your head
for you ought to have turned off the power
and you don't know it's lucky that you're not dead
because you're unconscious for more than an hour.

If you can reach up high to paint the ceiling,
and then aim to put the wallpaper up,
but your hair's gone white and the room is reeling,
you've drunk from the paint pot instead of your cup.

If you can prepare a bucket full of paste
so that the decorating can be done,
but some slops out as you carry it with haste,
I'll admit... you're a loser, my son.

© Christine Carr

In Time For Next Christmas

2011-12-09T05:48:00.000-08:00

Crystal Magazine's Children's Story Competition now has an extended closing date - 1 October 2012. So almost a full year to maybe win something good for children, and saving Santa a bit of trouble. Plus there's even £50 for you to treat yourself.

There are lots of prizes in each section and you can enter one story into all three sections.

You can request money only

Please send a stamped self addressed envelope for entry form to: Crystal Magazine, 3 Bowness Avenue, Prenton, Birkenhead CH43 0SD.

Open the Competition Page on this website for details.

Winning Entry

2011-11-15T08:59:00.000-08:00

Crystal Magazine Tenth Birthday competition winning entry is displayed on the website on the page 'Winning Entry'. It is also in the November issue.

Current Issue

2011-09-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

Crystal Magazine is a friendly, popular publication for writers, but it is for subscribers only so I only accept work from them. Subscription £16 pa UK/£20 overseas. Sample £2.

There are PayPal buttons at the bottom of the main page. Or cheque payable to Mrs C Carr.

Crystal Magazine
3 Bowess Avenue
Prenton
Birkenhead
CH43 0SD

ISSUE 67 JANUARY 2012

PayPal Buttons

2010-09-09T04:51:00.000-07:00

PayPal buttons are a quick and safe way to pay online. You will find many buttons below. These can be used to subscribe to Crystal Magazine. There are two subscription buttons, one for UK (£16) and the button below for overseas (£20).

You will also find a 'reduced subscription' button. This is the incentive for Crystallites (subscribers to Crystal Magazine) to introduce a friend. The reward of £2.50 off subscription renewal applies if the friend becomes a subscriber.

If you would like to see a sample copy of my magazine for writers, please click the appropriate button. A sample copy costs £2.

Advertising is open to anyone, you do not have to be a Crystallite. There are two PayPal buttons, each being for a payment of £5. You can promote your item of interest to writers in either the magazine or the website, or both. So £10 for one issue of Crystal Magazine, together with four weeks in the 'Advertising' page on the website.

You do not have to be a member of PayPal (http://www.paypal.com/) to take advantage of the buttons. When you click on a button a page should open showing two methods of payment; on the right is the very fast PayPal form (if you are with them) and on the left is a form to fill in with with your credit card details. The site is safe.

Anyone in the UK can use the buttons but PayPal are restricting transactions with India, China and Germany. Apart from that, paying by PayPal button is very convenient for English-speaking people overseas. Saves time and postage.

Of course, no one has to feel obliged to use the buttons at all. I will still accept cheques or postal orders made payable to Mrs C Carr. The address is 3 Bowness Avenue, Prenton, Birkenhead CH43 0SD.